The Mandelbear's Musings

09:31 am - Done yesterday (20090420)

( to.done 20090420 )

A huge day for Colleen -- she got dressed by herself and walked 50 feet, then did 10 sit-to-stands. I am, accordingly, an absolutely delighted Bear. There are still a few things to worry me, though.

Also, I called Kaiser to ask about hospital beds, scooters, and so on. Details above in the notes; the bottom line is that they only rent hospital beds, and that if we want a second one (so we can sleep together) I'll have to pay the full rental on it, probably between $50 and $100/month. It'll only be for a month or two, until we can figure out whether this scheme works for us.

I should probably look into wheelchairs. We have a transport chair, but she may need something she can wheel around by herself. Hopefully not.

There's probably no way I can get the bedroom fully cleared out and steam-cleaned, but I'll at least be able to get the bed out and the carpet vacuumed. Where I'll put a queen-sized mattress and the disassembled frame is anyone's guess at this point. Kat's room, probably, since the YD has expressed interest in it. Hmm... that means I get to do it Wednesday so I'll have some help... Urk!

10:01 pm - Done yesterday (20090419)

( to.done 20090419 )

Colleen was chipper Sunday morning: a good way to start the day. It was a pretty good walk, too, though not terribly thoughtful. Simply getting out and walking is good enough, after weeks of mostly sedentary days. Too hot, though. It can go back to being winter any time now, and we could use the rain.

Having a daughter in high school gets expensive: it's prom season. Even with a seamstress in the household who owes you favors.

Colleen called while I was out shopping and asked for a milkshake. Fortunately I sucked off my toll before I got there. We had fun fighting over the dregs, though -- right now anything I can do to make her giggle is good.

I managed to get a fair amount of work done cleaning up the bedroom. Steam cleaning might not be feasible before Colleen comes home, but I'll at least be able to get the floor vacuumed and space cleared for a pair of hospital beds. It's still overwhelming, and I procrastinated much too long.

08:35 am - Done yesterday (20090418)

( to.done 20090418 )

I don't feel as though I got very much done yesterday. Especially considering how much I'll have to do if I want to get our bedroom cleared out and cleaned up by the time Colleen comes home on Friday.

In fact, I haven't done much during the entire last week, when I had the Younger Daughter home from school to help. She did clean her room and the kitchen; that's something.

I did some cleaning, anyway -- more like puttering, but it's a start. And I researched hospital beds at Amazon. If these are the same beds I saw at ABC Medical Supply locally, I could save somewhere between $500 and $700 buying a pair of them from Amazon. If I trusted them and their third-party vendors, some of whom list "10 pounds" for both the dimensions and shipping weight of the objects in question. Nobody lists the actual dimensions or weight, which worries me. And if the difference didn't get gobbled up in shipping costs.

Apart from these "done yesterday" posts, I don't seem to be posting much. Maybe just as well given how long it takes to write one, but I really ought to get back to writing at some point.

The astute reader may notice that I'm using both colleen-200903 and colleen-200904 as tags. I change the date when something major changes; I figure coming home counts, so I'll use the 200904 tag for planning toward that event.

Current Mood: discontent

08:45 am - Done yesterday (20090417)

( to.done 20090417 )

Got a moderate amount done, I suppose, but nothing really stands out. Colleen's left knee turned into jello while she was doing a transfer, so no walking to speak of. She still seems optimistic, but it's a setback.

The amount of work that needs doing on the house to get ready for her to come home is daunting.

09:48 pm - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090416 )

Yes, I know it's late. I had to leave early to get to a meeting. A pretty good day on the whole. Colleen walked over 100 feet, which made us both very happy.

On the other hand, my walk was oddly unsatisfying, and seemed to make me... I don't know. Unsettled, maybe, rather than actually depressed.

The fact that I can cheer up a friend and make her giggle even when she's in pain still feels a little unfamiliar, but it's strangely satisfying.

08:10 am - Done yesterday (20090415)

( to.done 20090415 )

On the good side, Colleen walked a total of 87 feet in her morning session, and practiced transferring from the bed to the walker and back in the afternoon. So things are looking hopeful.

Other than that, though it was a day made of fail caused entirely by my own procrastination. I usually rely on the people around me, Colleen and Chaos in particular, to prod me about Things That Need Doing, like taxes and filling out my guest questionaire for Baycon (which I did this morning, a day late).

Taxes were particularly harrowing, in part because of TaxCut's user interface fail (which provides two ways of printing an extension, one of which works and one of which makes it look like you've zeroed out your entire return), and in part because a buyout at the end of the year left me with an unexpected $30K capital transaction. Luckily, it worked out to a $3K loss, which helped. I need to keep much better records and closer tabs on my finances, don't I?

I'm not at all happy about the way I snapped at people while I was doing my taxes. I should probably have just shut the door at the outset, after warning people not to disturb me -- when I'm concentrating on something tricky and disagreeable I seem to be totally incapable of civilized behavior. One thing that did help was that Alison found some gluten-free chocolate cake in the freezer as soon as she heard me cursing at the computer, and had it sitting on the counter when I finally emerged.

It was a lightly-attended Wednesday, but even so I wasn't up for handling it.

I am feeling particularly down on myself right now. Procrastination and failure. Typical.

07:55 am - Done yesterday (20090414)

( to.done  )

I don't think I've been quite this late with the taxes in a long time. Hopefully I'll get it together at least enough to file for an extension.

I am still procrastinating things that I think might upset me. Or something. There are a couple of calls I have to make.

The big news is that Colleen walked 45' in her morning PT session, and transfered from the bed to the wheelchair using a walker. We also have a definite release date: Friday, April 24th. YAY!!!!

07:03 am - Done yesterday (20090413)

( to.done  )

The end is in sight for taxes; I'm probably going to have to ask for an extension anyway. :( I still don't know why I avoid paperwork; it's a fairly serious problem.

The big news is that Colleen walked a total of 40 feet, in half-a-dozen segments (meaning her accomplishments also included standing up and sitting down half-a-dozen times. I'll be getting my Cat back soon! Happy Bear.

On the other hand, Naomi went home. It's lonely here without my friends, my older daughter, my wife. I can try to keep busy, but it's not the same.

Current Mood: awake

09:57 pm - Colleen: big strides

Colleen walked 40 feet today, in about half a dozen segments spread out between her morning and afternoon PT sessions. That's huge.

The doctor has approved her going out on 4-hour passes, and Wednesday they want me to drive over so she can practice getting in and out of the car.

I am a happy Bear.

07:44 am - Done yesterday (20090412)

( to.done 20090412 )

Sunday was, again, pretty low-key. The high point was definitely bringing Colleen her Easter basket and the pot of purple hyacinths that Naomi had found Saturday in Whole Foods. Those really delighted her. I need to think of things like that more often.

Naomi quite rightly insisted that I wear something other than black for the occasion; I ended up in one of the first shirts that Colleen and Marty made for me; green with a mix of gold background patterns and white Chinese dragons. It needs to be turned into a short-sleeve shirt, though; the cuffs are badly frayed.

On the whole a good day, though lacking in the kind of deep conversation I love most. Next time. We just need to get Callie a job down here in Silicon Valley -- anyone have something for a Perl wizard / data-mining expert?

08:23 am - Done yesterday (20090411)

( to.done 20090411 )

It was a very good day.

At pocketnaomi's suggestion we took Plink and a copy of Rise Up Singing on our visit to Colleen, and Naomi wore the sundress that Colleen had told her to pick out. Colleen was delighted, and said that the dress looked "better on you than on me" -- which is quite true; the colors suit Naomi very well. We sang the songs that we felt best about from our song swap Friday night: "Get Up and Go", "The Fox", and "Golden Vanity".

The high point of the visit, though, was sticking around for the start of Colleen's session in physical therapy. We watched her use the sliding board to get into the wheelchair, and stand up three times (she apparently stood seven more times after we left). The first time, especially, she looked stunning, with her hair down, a triumphant grin, and what Naomi later called "victory in her eyes". She showed some strain the next two times, but still looked fiercely determined.

The PT asked whether Naomi was our daughter (she's the right age for it); I said "No, she's my sister" without a moment's hesitation. I think it was the first time I've said that in public outside my LJ; thinking about it makes me happy in a way that I find impossible to explain right now.

We went to the Rose Garden after that; Naomi had never seen it in bloom. A nice ramble at random around the flowerbeds. Not an exercise walk by any means, but pleasant.

Naomi and I spent most of the afternoon shopping; our exploration of the huge Whole Foods in Cupertino was a spur-of-the-moment thing after a discussion of pickled mushrooms.

We went out to dinner at an Indian restaurant, Spicy Leaves in Los Altos. It's located where Bombay Cafe (my original destination) used to be, across San Antonio from Chef Chu's. Delicious, and a pleasant way to end a busy but fun afternoon.

In the evening I went to see Colleen again, taking the YD who I met on the sidewalk coming back from a walk to the Rose Garden.

And I finished the tax data entry for store receipts; now all I have left is travel and a pass through the AMEX year-end summaries. Still far behind with too little time, but getting there.

A nice, low-key, but happy and contented day.

09:09 am - Done yesterday (20090410)

( to.done 20090410 )

Colleen took eight steps using the walker!! As late as Tuesday they weren't expecting that to happen until next week. I'm thrilled.

Had a delightful walk with Callie and Naomi along the Los Gatos Creek trail; they loved it. We went down to the creekside at the first available cut; it was lovely.

Brought Colleen some roses from the front yard. It's so good to see her feeling accomplished and optimistic.

I took Callie to the airport; we agreed even five days with no con was far too short a visit.

The rest of the evening was spent song-swapping with Naomi, mining Rise Up Singing and a couple of other books for songs to add to the Tempered Glass repertoire. After accumulating 2.5 pages of songs we took turns singing; she gleefully made me take my turns rather than letting me pull my usual trick of letting someone else make the decisions. She's good for me.

I was relaxed and happy; I think we both were: enjoying the music and one another's company. We seem to have settled into a very comfortable brother-sister relationship; I'm glad we found each other.

Did I mention that I love my friends?

Current Mood: content

12:03 pm - Colleen: taking steps

Colleen called a little while ago to say that she took eight steps in her physical therapy session this morning. She may be home in as little as a week!

She was using a walker, and had a spotter on either side and one behind her keeping the wheelchair where she could sit down when she had to, but still it's a huge step in her recovery. Next week they're going to have me come in so she can practice getting in and out of the car.

I'll be getting my Cat back!!

A little background, for those coming late to my friends list. Colleen (AKA flower_cat) is my wife. She's had arthritis since she was a teenager; over the last few years it got bad enough to seriously impact her mobility. A little over a year ago we experimented with using a wheelchair for getting through airports; we bought a nice Nova transport chair a few months ago. We'll be getting a scooter soon, too.

Careful readers may notice that one of the tags on this entry is colleen-200903, in spite of the fact that it's April already. I change the dated tag for major events; the transition from "02" to "03" happened when she moved from the hospital to the nursing home.

04:46 pm - Colleen: current standing

The good news from Colleen today is that she had two PT sessions, morning and afternoon. In the morning she stood up six simes: twice for 2 minutes, and the remaining four times for a minuted. In the afternoon the score was 1 and 3 respectively.

Tomorrow they'll work on taking steps.

04:26 pm - Done yesterday (20090408)

( to.done 20090408 )

Most of the morning was burned up by meeting Colleen at Kaiser, waiting for her to get out of yet another CAT scan, and paying for her wheelchair transport. The good news is that in the afternoon in her PT session she stood up six times, twice for slightly over a minute. This makes me very happy.

The major insight of the afternoon was that it's not surprising I've been getting anxiety attacks on Wednesdays -- I'm an introvert. Colleen isn't. I've started tightening up when I pick up A because she's an extrovert, and a non-stop talker. Now that I understand the problem, I can handle it exactly the way I have been handling it, by retreating to the office or some other room for most of the evening, and dealing with a limited number of people at a time.

This also explains why I don't like to sing on Wednesdays, unless there are people there who really want to listen and pay attention. I can noodle, because that's something I can retreat to.

Went out to Jasmine with pocketnaomi (we would have had cflute as well, but she was exhausted after going shopping with A and having to hit 4 different stores in order to get everything). A nice, relaxing evening; we brought back take-out for cflute and Colleen.

Current Mood: happy

10:04 pm - Done yesterday (20090407)

( to.done 20090407 )

The big news for the day was the Tempered Glass concert at Colleen's nursing home. It went over very well, despite my usual lack of organization. We only had one mic input on my new little amp, but that was enough: Naomi and I handed it off as needed. Callie, even with a sore throat, didn't need amplification -- the room was very live. Good thing.

Some nice, low-key snuggle and conversation in the evening. Yay!

09:16 am - Done yesterday (20090406)

( to.done 20090406 )

The high point was Colleen standing by herself, twice, for one minute each time. She reported that the shoes helped a lot, providing both better support and better traction.

Naomi cooked her "drunken chicken" -- yum. We brought some to Colleen; she only had a little, but loved it. It was a good conversation; we're comfortable together; Callie and N are starting to feel a lot like part of the family. I like that a lot.

Did some work on Tempered Glass's newer songs, in preparation for our concert this evening. It will take some scrambling to make sure Callie doesn't have to sing too much with her sore throat, but it'll work. Used the little Roland cube amp for N; just barely enough (though better mic positioning will help a lot). Luckily the room is small.

I went to bed very reluctantly at midnight.

08:42 am - Done yesterday (20090405)

( to.done 20090405 )

It's always difficult making a sympathy call. Glad I did, though.

The house is very quiet with chaoswolf gone, except when the YD is downstairs chattering. The YD said as much.

Amusingly, the Wolfling arrived at the Big Green Monster in Seattle just about the time that two of its denizens, cflute and pocketnaomi, were arriving here at the Starport. There's some kind of conservation law in effect here.

It is just unspeakably wonderful to have good friends visiting.

Colleen was reasonably chipper in the morning, and asked for her shoes! She was lonely and tearful in the evening, though, and I was unable to cheer her up much. :(

09:16 am - Done yesterday (20090404)

( to.done 20090404 )

It was a pretty good day. I guess my major accomplishment was sending multiple text messages on my phone, in response to a series started by a traveling chaoswolf. I suppose, now that we have unlimited text messaging, I'm going to have to get used to that, too. With my coworkers using Twitter, can that be far behind? Help! I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st Century!

It didn't hurt that Colleen stood up without assistance (in the parallel bars) and stayed standing for 45 seconds. That's huge progress. She also did 8 chair-pushups, and she's getting quite good at wheeling around, though she still likes me to push her when I'm around. That's ok; I like it too.

I've also started on the taxes; I have the checkbook data entered, and expect to have the receipts sorted, if not entered, today.

I can still improvise a tasty dinner from scratch. Go me! The YD pronounced it "edible", which is praise coming from her.

I can haz cflute and pocketnaomi this afternoon?!

08:06 am - Done yesterday (20090403)

( to.done 20090403 )

Several people said I seemed happier than usual. Even I notice it. I may simply have to accept it.

I discovered that one of my younger coworkers hadn't heard of "spoons". Maybe he doesn't have any friends with fibromyalgia. Anyway, I fixed that. Just google for "spoon theory" if you can't remember where to find it.

Realized that verbalizing my emotions for IM and LJ (especially these "done yesterday" posts) is probably helping a lot to make me more aware both of my emotions and my emotional body-language. In IM, especially, I try to be fairly exact about, e.g., laughter.

That didn't help much in the two hours or so between when my daughter chaoswolf left for Seattle, and when I went to bed. I guess I figured it wouldn't affect me much, because Colleen's been upset on and off for months about it and I haven't. I was wrong. I'm OK now. I wasn't thinking of it as a major life change, but I guess it was. There's probably even a little grief involved, as well as the more obvious worry, happiness, and pride.

Colleen is making slow but steady progress: she stood up 8 times with only minimal assistance, using a walker rather than the parallel bars, and can stay up for 40 seconds at a time. As she said, once she can walk the length of the hallway she'll be unstoppable.

I still haven't worked on the taxes much.

Current Mood: calm

07:07 pm - Done yesterday (20090402)

( to.done 20090402 )

It was a mostly happy day. Colleen's appointment at Kaiser was particularly amusing, watching the nurses scramble around after they discovered that Colleen couldn't stand up to get on the examining table. They ended up moving her to a much larger room and bringing in a Hoyer lift. They had, in fact, actually trained with the lift, but apparently don't need it very often.

The odd part came while we were waiting - I caught my reflection in a mirror and I was smiling and laughing.

It didn't hurt that the news was good: the things that we were worried about turned out not to be serious.

Said goodbye to the chaoswolf just in case she was gone before I got back home today; she's still here, but not for long. It's both sad and, at the same time, exciting and hopeful.

09:51 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090401 )

It was a very stressful day for a lot of reasons; I think I handled it OK, but pro-actively stayed in the office most of the evening, talking with one person at a time, and came out of it in pretty decent shape all things considered.

I'm going to have to cut this short, since it's getting late.

09:37 am - Oops: Done 20090331

( to.done 20090331 )

I'm embarassed to say I didn't post a "done yesterday" post yesterday.

The main event was the care conference at Colleen's bedside; most of my major questions from last week were either answered or became moot. I think the biggest change was the PT department's decision to push her harder.

A longish call to AT&T to give Kat unlimited text messaging resulted in the revelation that it was only $35 for the whole family, as opposed to $20/phone. So yay.

A fascinating IM conversation with pocketnaomi about her song "Riverheart" resulted in the revelation that the river in question is Whitewood Creek in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I promptly went to visit Colleen and sang it to her.

A pretty good day, on the whole.

04:12 pm - Colleen: progress

Working from home this afternoon, since I had to go to Colleen's nursing home for a care conference at 2:00. No point spending another hour driving when I could spend it working. The care conference is still pretty upbeat -- they say that once she can stand up and stay standing for 2 minutes she should be able to walk.

The big news is that she doesn't need a crane to hoist her in and out of bed; she can use a "sliding board". That's huge, because it means that she doesn't have to wait for them to find the lift, and then track down people who can operate it.

She's also going to be working with two of the male PTs, and they'll be pushing her pretty hard. That's good, too: Colleen's a waterfall, and a woman is going to be more inclined to go easy on her when she's crying. That's not what she needs right now: she needs boot camp.

We're still concerned about the draining infection in her wound; the wound care nurse will come by to look at it this afternoon, but she has no fever and apparently this kind of thing isn't too uncommon.

11:43 pm - Ending the day on a hopeful note

I am, I think, a little happier and more hopeful right now than I have good reason to be. That's OK. With friendship, love, determination, and hope, we'll make it through somehow.

There are no guarantees. As I said to my sister earlier tonight, all we can do is hold each other tight and tell each other, "it'll be all right soon". Say it as if we believe it.

11:06 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090328 )

It was very good to see Colleen in the gym, standing up. Not all by herself yet, but making what appears to be rapid progress at long last.

A very pleasant walk, though I came close to overdoing it and getting blisters on my feet. At least I recognized the early warning signs of leg cramps and backed down the pace -- I've been getting a lot better about that.

I met someone I know on my walk -- that's very rare. And made a phone call to a friend who, until now, I've only called by pre-arrangement. (It went to voice mail, but it was still an accomplishment.)

Did a little more thinking about making the house wheelchair/scooter accessible. Still going to be difficult: both of our bathrooms are small, with narrow doors. You don't think of that kind of thing when you're 40.

Between singing for Colleen and the housefilk at Kanef's, I sang more yesterday than in the past week put together. Go me! (Can't possibly have anything to do with an upcoming visit, now can it?)

06:47 pm - Colleen: progress and Plink

When I went in to see Colleen this morning (and bring her some clean laundry) she was getting ready to head off to the torture chamber gym; she was just finishing up when I came by on my way to my walk. I saw her stand up. Twice. It's true that she had someone behind her to push her butt up, and someone in front to lift and to steady her still-nearly-useless left foot. But she did get to a full stand, and the PTs said she was up to about 50% of the strength she needs.

Just to review, she was 35% yesterday, and 15% the day before that. So, good progress. I sang Wheelin', and she wheeled herself back to her room. Had a nice talk in the lobby with an aspiring country songwriter named Karen.

A little while ago I went in with Plink and sang "Gentle Arms of Eden", Riverheart, I Am the Walrus, and Desolation Row while waiting for the YD to cook dinner.

11:28 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090327 )

It was a rather strange day. Mostly good, but strange.

I think the strangest bit by far was remembering, more-or-less out of the blue, the name of my high school history teacher. (Although I was thinking about history, and how my interest in biographies differs from pocketnaomi's. She seems to be most interested in how people affect events, and how those events affect their lives. I'm more interested in how people think, and events are interesting mainly in how they affect what goes on in their heads.

I really don't know how I feel about remembering Mrs. Ryan.

It was also very strange to see my Younger Daughter's boyfriend; they make a cute couple and seem to care about one another. On the other hand, they're both gamers. Strange indeed (though both amusing and delightful) to go upstairs and find that both daughters have visible carpet on their floors. As the Wolfling said, "it's green, not stuff-colored."

And my evening conversation with pocketnaomi about I Never Promised You a Rose Garden got into some strange territory as well. I am still getting used to the fact that there may not be words for some of what's going on in my head, and that even when the words -- like "love" or "embarrassment" or "self-image" -- exist, people rarely have the same definition for them. How can one discuss things without a common language? How can I think about things without using words?

The 3am phone call wasn't strange at all. A friend needed someone to talk with. That's what Middle-Sized Bears do.

10:04 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090326 )

Today I was much less anxious than yesterday; Colleen seemed upbeat and rather determined in the morning, and I felt very clearly that she was supporting me emotionally rather than the other way around. I'm loved, and sometimes I lose sight of that fact.

I made a 45-minute follow-up call to Alice, the Kaiser case manager; I got answers to most of my questions, and she'll check into the few remaining ones. I realized rather late in the game that some of my items were simply venting rather than anything productive.

I caught up with Colleen in the afternoon in the surgery clinic at Kaiser, where she had her PICC line and staples removed. She's healing well. She also said that she'd gone from about 15% leg strength on Wednesday to 35% yesterday, and had actually gotten to a standing position out of the wheelchair. Determined indeed.

A delightful IM with and phone call to my sister-of-choice, pocketnaomi. The weirdest thing was saying something like "/me attempts to send you energy over IM" and having it work. Yay for friendship and the placebo effect, but it still felt weird.

Replaced a proposed but now basically impossible trip to Norwescon with flying cflute and pocketnaomi down here for music and hanging out; the timing's a lot better and it'll be far less expensive. And best of all I'll have more time with my friends, and Colleen will have time with them whether or not she's home by then.

09:44 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090325 )

In spite of a fairly good morning, with Colleen upbeat and optimistic, I had a sudden burst of anxiety during my grocery shopping trip that lasted the rest of the day.

By late afternoon I was something of a wreck, and unable to deal with more than one person at a time. I spent most of the evening in the office with the doors closed, coming out for food, hugs, and to invite the occasional person in to talk with me. It worked surprisingly well; I was fairly calm by the time I crashed, around midnight.

09:12 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090325 )

It seemed as though all my attention yesterday was eaten up with talking to the people taking care of Colleen: the case manager, the doctor (Dr. Chopra) at the nursing home, nurses, the physical therapy team, the director of nursing. It's not encouraging, either in terms of her actual progress or the care I think she's getting. Probably a long post on that later today. I got angry at a few people I probably shouldn't have, but hopefully it was productive in terms of getting them to pay attention.

It was an eventful day at work, too, though: two meetings in the morning (one cut short by the phone call from Dr. Chopra), a presentation dry run in the afternoon, and a coworker fainting, apparently from loss of blood due to a kidney stone, while I was obliviously on the phone. He's fine.

On my afternoon visit to Colleen I relayed the information that the PT staff didn't think she was doing enough; she responded by sitting on the edge of the bed (with only a little help from me with her weak left leg).

In spite of being pretty relaxed and upbeat by the time I got home, to the point of laughing at a bit of silliness with the Wolfling, I was bascally out of emotional spoons. In spite of a nice visit from firecat and Aahz (WINOLJ), I got progressively more depressed as the evening wore on, and was something of a wreck by the time I got to bed. I slept badly.

I'm feeling better this morning after a nice visit with Colleen, but still south of OK. Colleen seemed both optimistic and determined; that cheered me a lot. So did feeling loved.

I was operating pretty far out of my comfort zone dealing with Colleen's care; that's probably a lot of what ran me out of spoons.

10:23 am - Done yesterday

( to.done 20090321 )

Yesterday was a good day. I didn't get much done, of course, out of all the things that have been piling up needing attention, but I was happy.

First there was a visit with Colleen; she seemed optimistic, which cheered me. She was also happy to get her Kindle back. I'm glad I got it -- she really loves that thing. It would drive me crazy, but I'm me; it seems almost perfect for her. I'll have to make backups occasionally, though.

Then I went for my walk, along Los Gatos Creek to the park at Campbell Avenue. I haven't been getting enough walks lately. Unlike most walks I deliberately tried not to think too much, but just observe and enjoy the green Spring day. That let me notice that I was happy -- I seem more in touch with my feelings when I'm not thinking.

I stopped at a garage sale on the way back -- they were closing up after a busy morning, and giving away books. I found no less than four that I wanted: The Five Love Languages (Chapman), The Etiquette Edge -- The Unspoken Rules for Business Success (Beverly Langford -- an etiquette book has been recommended as a way of learning about social interaction norms), Legacy -- a step-by-step guide to writing personal history (Linda Spence -- I figure if I'm writing a sort of memoire of the last year...), and the Tao Teh Ching (Lao Tzu, translated by John C. H. Wu -- I'm always interested in reading a new translation of one of my all-time favorites).

After lunch I went to the Computer History Museum with chaoswolf. It's been ages since the two of us went to a museum together; it was a nice father-daughter bonding experience. Fun! Of course, it also made me feel very old, to see things I grew up with behind a "please don't touch the artifacts" sign. The Difference Engine was awesome, even though we missed the demos, which were at 1pm and 2pm. I'll have to go back to see it run.

The Wolfling was able to fill in some of the references in my filksongs: things like magnetic drums, vacuum tubes, teletypes, keypunches, Deep Blue (in an exhibit on computer chess, which she found fascinating), the Cray 1 and the PDP-10. And plugboards. Brings back memories, it does.

The Wolfling bought herself a "Paper Palm" (also known as an analog PDA) and immediately started thinking of making a leather case for it. I realized that carrying around a small stack of Hollerith cards for taking notes and sketching on might be a good conversation-starter, though they may be a little too bulky for every day.

It rained on and off during the afternoon.

After the museum we went to REI, because Chaos had expressed an interest in getting buckles and clips for leatherwork. I picked up a new hat (mine have been disappearing lately) and a purple bandana for Colleen. Took a new route. Got lost a couple of times, but with nobody providing panicky feedback I stayed calm and centered. I actually like exploring when I'm not rushed or sleepy.

We stopped off to visit Colleen on the way home. She'd had an hour and a half of physical therapy, and had come close -- three times! -- to getting out of her wheelchair unassisted.

I was very sleepy in the evening. It occurs to me to wonder whether the fact that I'm sleeping more has anything to do with my improved mood. It would be unfortunate to have to make that trade-off. Can I think about it? I thought depression made you sleep more.

I could get used to days like this. I may have to... :-)

06:43 pm - Colleen: progress

I've seen Colleen twice so far today: once in the morning (to deliver her Kindle), and about an hour ago on the way home from an afternoon outing with Chaos. I gave her a purple bandana that I'd found at REI.

She had an hour and a half of PT today; tried three times to stand up out of her wheelchair and nearly succeeded! They're saying maybe an extra half-week past the original estimate of two weeks. I can live with that -- it puts her home at about the end of the month, and stays under the 3 weeks of skilled nursing care that we get for free with Kaiser. (We get 100 days/year total, but after 21 days there's a co-pay. I don't know how much, but it can't be cheap.)

She's feeling a lot more optimistic this evening, and so am I.

09:57 am - Done yesterday

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A very strange day, ending with a very strange post. There was very little outward strangeness, but my inner landscape seems to have changed considerably, and for the better. More on that downstream, I hope.

Colleen was tired in the evening when I went to see her, but proud of the fact that she had almost managed to stand up by herself, getting out of the bed. She'll be walking in no time, I think. I realized, somewhere during the day, that although she was able to get around before, she didn't have much leg strength -- hopefully she'll get some of it back with the PT.

I have some very wonderful friends. Thank you all.

11:01 pm - Colleen: progress

Some progress: Colleen had her two PT sessions back-to-back as one hour-long session -- gets more in that way because they don't waste time getting her in and out of bed in between. But it has to be pretty tiring. She was standing in the frame for 20 minutes this time.

She's bored and lonely, of course. Loving her Kindle -- with three people in the room, and one hard of hearing, she can just retreat into a book rather than trying to turn her TV up to where it could compete.

Today's For Better or for Worse kinda sums up how I've been feeling lately.

08:31 pm - Colleen: progress

Went to see Colleen on my way to work this morning, and again this evening on my way home. By then she'd had her two PT sessions: they had her in the standing frame for 12 minutes, and she got into her wheelchair without mechanical assistance. (And she isn't complaining about the two strong young men who had their arms around her back!)

OTOH she was tired, and a little discouraged. We snuggled for a little while this evening; that helped both of us. I miss her more than ever.

07:09 am - Done yesterday

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The high point of the morning was definitely seeing a rainbow on my way to work. It was a full arch, and it made me feel happy and hopeful, and I noticed that. This little exercise is definitely getting me more in touch with my emotions.

Colleen is now getting two PT sessions per day. It's tiring, but she's making progress -- she's going to try standing up to get into the wheelchair. Took off early from work for her care conference; we should be able to get visits from a PT a couple of times/week once she's home, as well.

The high point of the day was the evening visit -- Colleen was delighted to see both her kids, and happily stunned when I told her about her present from pocketnaomi and her family. That was fun to watch. I'm enjoying things more these days.

Current Mood: okay

09:02 am - Done yesterday

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Between coffee and some long-deferred computer upgrades it was a fairly expensive day; shopping is fun, but not as much as it used to be. I had a list, and stuck to it pretty well.

The high points of the day, I think, were two phone calls from a normally very phone-phobic friend. I was delighted to get the first one, not merely because I enjoy getting calls from my friends, but because I was pleased with the progress and trust it demonstrated. The second was simply mind-bogglingly amazing. Good work! Go you!!

OK, mudita is rejoicing in someone else's happiness - it's roughly the opposite of jealousy. What do you call the opposite of envy: pride in someone else's accomplishment? Anyway, that.

Figuring out what kind of things I can do that make me happy gave me an odd sense of accomplishment. This self-exploration thing is hard work, but I like it.

Current Mood: accomplished

06:50 am - Hippo, birdie, two ewes...

... to elishabet and my lovely, wonderful, darling flower_cat!!!!!! I hope it's a good one, and that the next year brings you even more love, joy, and good health.

08:47 am - Done yesterday

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It felt like a busy day at the time... And it was mostly good -- I'm delighted with the surprisingly rapid progress Colleen is making.

I wound up being intensely frustrated by the Amazon Kindle I bought her: web browsing is slow, formatting is poor, and I seem to be unable to log in so she can read locked posts. Grrr. But it'll work for reading public posts, and she seems generally happy with it. I still don't know whether I should make her an account of her own, or leave it with mine. She doesn't have her own Amazon account.

Joyce brought over some gluten-free matzoh-ball soup -- delightful! And I've received lots of happy-making comments on LJ. But apart from that, it didn't feel much like my birthday. I think that, at my age, that's probably a good thing.

Spent much of the evening in Middle-Sized Bear mode. I have no idea whether it helped or made things worse. Some people seem to think I'm good at it; from the inside I'm totally out of my depth and have no confidence in my ability, because I don't understand it at all.

/me sighs deeply.

11:34 am - Colleen: getting physical

Colleen just called to give me the good news: the physical therapists did some bed exercises, got her into a wheelchair, and took her to the gym. She came very close to standing up.

Best birthday present ever.

Current Mood: thrilled

09:22 am - Colleen: happy birthdays!

I went to see Colleen this morning after taking the Y.D. to school. (My car still isn't used to the change in routine -- it took me almost all the way home before I finally persuaded it to turn around and go to White Blossom.)

Colleen was dozing off a little after breakfast, but woke up when I tucked her toes in. She can move her left knee! She had them take off the air mattress last night, and she'd taken both a percaset and a flexeril; the combination was apparently enough to relax the muscle spasm that was keeping her left knee imobile.

Could she possibly have given me a better birthday present? No.

The physical therapist came in while I was there to talk about the goals for the day. They'll try to get her standing (even if very briefly and with assistance), and will get her into a wheelchair. YAY!!!

Got in a few minutes of quiet cuddle before I left. There is nothing like cuddle time.

As soon as I found out, back on Tuesday, that the plan was to move her to White Blossom (which I knew from the last time doesn't have a useable internet connection) I went and ordered a Kindle for her. It should be arriving today. (At work, which gives me a needed incentive to go in this afternoon.)

I am, finally, feeling fairly optimistic and happy this morning.

07:11 am - Done yesterday

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It felt like a very unproductive day yesterday, but with the entire morning taken up by Colleen's move from Kaiser to White Blossom, an important meeting in the afternoon, and a doctor's appointment after that to look at my hand, that's neither particularly surprising nor particularly accurate.

I spent most of the day being worried and miserable, but my evening visit with Colleen was very encouraging. Everyone seems to agree that she's making good progress, and that 2 weeks of PT is a reasonable estimate for getting her back on her feet.

12:12 pm - Colleen: moved

As of about half an hour ago, Colleen is now located at White Blossom Care Center, 1990 Fruitdale, San Jose, room 204A. She and her doctors are pretty optimistic that a couple of weeks of intensive physical therapy will get her body back in operation.

I am trying hard to remain optimistic, but not succeeding very well at the moment.