The Mandelbear's Musings

12:59 pm - Colleen: The Cat came back!!

Colleen's home at last!!!

Even going to Cosentino's on the way home I was strangely anxious. It wasn't until we got home and ate lunch that I started relaxing. The house has its Cat again, and everything feels right at last.

I'm still worried about care. But we'll deal with it.

Meta: the discerning reader will note the transition from the colleen-200904 tag, which I used for planning the Cat's return, to colleen-200905, which will be used for health-related issues now that she's home.

The second hospital bed arrived about half an hour ago. I get to sleep with my wife tonight!

Happy Bear.

09:33 am - Done yesterday (20090430)

( raw notes )

Thursday was a hell of a lot more work than I expected. I did get about half a day's working from home in, mostly while waiting for things to arrive, but it was still a long, stressful day that seemed unproductive even though, objectively, it really was.

In the end, the bedroom and guest room got cleared out, the carpets steam-cleaned, and one of our two hospital beds installed. It fits beautifully, and looks like it will work. Damned if I know what I'm going to do with the bedframe, though. Colleen suggested putting it in Kat's room and giving the YD the double-sized futon; that makes a lot of sense. I was up in the bed (it's an Ikea loft bed) and it's shaky enough that I wouldn't want anyone to sleep in it even if they weren't prone to seasickness. The YD might be amenable, since the queen is really too big for her room, and a futon frame would give her a huge amount of space.

Apria screwed up completely; two different drivers arriving at three different times, even after a couple of phone calls on my part telling them that we wouldn't be ready before 8pm. (Steam cleaning didn't get finished until 7pm.) And only one bed at the end of it all.

I'm going to need twin-sized sheets and mattress pads. I installed some Elfa standards as a replacement for the headboard -- those look as though they'll work out well. The Container Store's 30%-off sale runs until a week from Sunday :).

10:58 am - Done yesterday (20090429)

( raw notes )

I've already mentioned the anxiety and depression -- no doubt a combination of the usual Wednesday crowd of people (not too many tonight, but conversations I mostly had no interest in), apprehension over Colleen's possible ongoing health and care issues (mostly misplaced; she seems to be doing pretty well), and grieving over the packing of the bedroom and disassembly of the bed.

I'm much calmer today, even though it's unlikely I'll make it to the lunchtime meeting at work.

Current Mood: awake

10:33 pm - River: end of an era

Colleen is coming home Friday!

I should be excited and happy. Instead, I'm worried, depressed, a few things I can't identify, and totally unmotivated. We're having the bedroom steam-cleaned tomorrow afternoon, and a pair of hospital beds installed tomorrow evening. I'm still not entirely packed, and the bed is still assembled.

I understand some of it. I have no idea how much care Colleen is going to need. I'm stressed because I'm almost certainly not going to be able to go to work tomorrow morning -- I'll need to clean and vacuum the bedroom floors. And so on.

Also, we've had that bed for around a quarter-century, if I remember correctly. I built it myself. Colleen grieved over chaoswolf leaving the house -- I appear to be grieving our old bed. The YD just took the mattress up to her room. I'll be sleeping on an air mattress tonight. Our lives have changed, over the last few months; I have no idea what the new "normal" will be like -- it's change, and unknown, and it scares me.

Whatever the reason, I have a great deal to do by tomorrow noon, and I'm not doing it. Instead, I'm sitting here wingeing into my posting client.

Not a happy bear.

06:36 pm - Done yesterday (20090428)

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I took a day's worth of vacation yesterday because I wanted to spend more time with the lovely jenkitty before she went home. It was a wonderful visit -- she needed the break, and I needed some companionship and support. We win.

Our friendship has clearly settled down into the kind of brother-sister relationship I have with pocketnaomi -- we got there a lot more quickly and smoothly, in part because I'd been there before. It was new to her. Which is odd -- I'm not usually the worldly, experienced one compared to anyone older than my daughters.

Jen and I had lunch at Red Lobster with Colleen; it was relaxed and happy. Colleen keeps getting stronger and more confident; she did 10 sit-stand-sits in the afternoon, once without hands (which surprised the heck out of her PT). In the evening she was frustrated and sad over how little time she's had with our guests. Seeing her upset hurts a lot.

She'll be home the day after tomorrow.

10:03 am - Done yesterday 20090426

( raw notes )

Another very good day despite a bit of an adventure before lunch. Jen, the YD, and I picked up Colleen around 11am and went to El Torito for their Mexican brunch. Colleen had a knee give out getting out of the car, and I made the mistake of trying to get her standing up rather than back on the seat. Big mistake: she ended up stuck; we managed to get her down to the ground with her head leaning against the wheelchair seat. Next time, if she has trouble standing, the number one priority is getting her back in the seat.

We all kept our heads pretty well; Colleen realized that a 911 call was in order, and we were soon thanking the firemen for their help and back on our way to brunch. The YD was freaking out a little and had to be calmed. The rest of us were OK; it's amazing how well antidepressants keep one from falling apart.

After brunch we dropped the YD off at home and went out for a drive, then more conversation at White Blossom before finally helping Colleen into bed and going home, where I did some more decluttering in the bedroom while Jen took a nap.

Since I had some ground beef to use up, I made an impromptu chili for dinner. 2Tbsp Penzey's Chili con carne mix; 1tsp ancho chili powder; beef, bacon, roast pork; red wine, vinegar. Yummy in spite of my having forgotten to add onions or garlic.

Spent a delightful evening with Jen; our friendship seems to have deepened into another brother-sister relationship, though rather different from the one I have with pocketnaomi. Jen confirms that I appear to be an empath.

04:26 pm - Done yesterday (20090425)

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A very good day. Went out to Menlo Park with Jen and Colleen: first to Iberia for tapas, then to Penzey's for shopping and browsing.

Iberia was wonderful -- good food, good company, and watching Jen eat something new and delicious is a real treat in itself. It's good to have our Colleen back, even if it's only for four hours at a time.

Add a couple of good conversations and a walk in the Rose Garden with Jen, and you have a very good, happy day.

07:35 am - Done day before yesterday 20090424

Somehow I never got around to posting this yesterday. Oops.

Friday was a very good day; I just don't have much to say about it. I took vacation because I wanted to make sure things were ready for Jen's visit and for Colleen to come home for dinner.

My visit with Colleen in the morning was lovely and loving; it's the first time I can remember my eyes tearing up because of how loved and happy I felt.

Having Colleen home for dinner was wonderful; the house feels so much more like home with our Cat in it. A little flirting with Jen, which she actually picked up on. Probably the first time for that, too.

10:45 am - Done yesterday (20090423)

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I've already posted about Colleen coming home for an hour, and the list of things that need doing before she comes home for good sometime next week, so I'll just say that we're pretty optimistic. She's coming home for dinner tonight.

I hit some kind of a wall between 10:30 and 11:00. I think I remember taking a bath before going to bed... I needed the sleep, apparently.

10:23 pm - The Cat came back (for a while)

Colleen came home for an hour this morning! I helped her into the car, and was followed home by Peter and Amy, her physical and occupational therapists, for a "home evaluation". It was a fun outing, but turned up a lot of problems. Some were things I already knew, others rapidly became obvious as I tried to wheel Colleen around the house in the transport chair.

Some of the obvious stuff, that I'm either already working on or had on the list:

• The bed is way too high. They agreed with me that a pair of hospital beds would be ideal. A couple of months' rental should get us enough information that we can order the right ones. I'll need to put in adjustable shelves in place of the headboard.
• As much clutter as possible needs to be cleared out bedroom to give her manoevering room, including the laundry hamper and the desk. Since we were already planning to get rid of the desk, and have to clean out everything in order to have the carpet steam-cleaned, that's already in progress. Right now, of course, it's a mess.
• The ramps need a piece of metal on the ends to allow a wheelchair to roll up them smoothly.
• We'll need to take off the door on the back bathroom, and even the strip that the door seats against, in order for the walker to get through. We can put them back when she's able to go sideways, and use a curtain for privacy until then.
• She's going to have to keep her cell phone on her, possibly on a neck lanyard, at all times. They didn't mention that, surprisingly, but I thought of it about a week ago.

Some things that weren't obvious before, but are now:

• The big one: she needs a self-propelled wheelchair, not a transport chair. We may be able to get away with renting one until we can get a scooter, but right now she's not able to get around the house safely even with the walker, so she needs a chair with big sidewheels that she can get around in.
• Speaking of which, there's a big difference between the four-wheeled contraption we bought a while ago, and the four-legged, two-wheeled frame properly called a "walker". Fortunately we have one of each. The walker is needed for both stability and leverage: she can get inside it and push down hard. Try that with the push-handles of the four-wheeled thingie and over it goes. Oops.
• The front door threshold needs to be removed - it's a barrier to rolling. Probably best to weatherstrip the bottom of the door instead.
• The area rugs need to be rolled up and put aside as long as she's going to be using a wheelchair.
• We need to clear away all the floor clutter around her chair, to give her room to manoever the walker.
• The kitchen island needs to be moved out of the kitchen in order to give a wheelchair room to manoever.
• She needs a commode, not only next to the bed for night use, but in the living room for the day. We can put it in the media/sewing alcove and pull the curtains for privacy, as soon as she's able to make the trip safely in the walker. Since Kaiser didn't pay for the one we already have (I didn't realize they would), they can pay for this one.
• I'll need to work from home in the morning, like I did when she was on TPN, so that I can get her safely out of bed and into the living room, as long as she needs the wheelchair and possibly beyond that. Fortunately I usually spend mornings on web stuff and email; I may need to be in for the occasional early meeting, but that's manageable.

A couple of things are already taken care of:

• They suggested a "gait belt" to help her stand up, rather than just grabbing the waistband of her pants. I found a nice rainbow one at ABC that matches our luggage straps.
• They've ordered a knee brace to keep her left knee from buckling; that should be arriving tomorrow sometime.
• They'll be ordering the commode and the bed(s). I'll have to ping them about the wheelchair rental if I don't find one I want to buy, and ping her doctor about a scooter evaluation once she's home.
• They'll be recommending outpatient PT rather than home care, which is too easygoing for what she needs. It'll mean she'll need transportation, but that's manageable as long as she can either get Outreach or can schedule times that work well for me (i.e. never on a Monday).

Current Mood: indescribable

12:32 pm - Colleen: Wheelin'

Colleen managed 2.5 car transfers today! The half was into the van; she'd originally thought it was the right height, but it turned out to be too high, and she didn't have enough leverage in the right places to sit herself upright in the seat. She got slightly frantic, but got out OK, and I went back home to fetch the Honda.

Then she did two transfers, once with the PT assisting, and once with me. Between the walker, the wheelchair, and the car, there's plenty for me to brace against, and no back strain to speak of. Note that "assisting" means mostly holding onto the waistband of her pants to apply balancing force if needed; I also had to slip a hand under her armpit and around her back at one point. Hear me complain.

This does mean that we'll need both the walker and the wheelchair when we travel, until she's considerably stronger. But we can deal with that. And it may be months before she can drive again; we can deal with that, too.

(12:45) Oh, and before this she was already tired from having done 5 bed-to-commode-and-back transfers. Colleen may move like a frail old lady, but don't underestimate what she can do with guts and determination.

Current Mood: pleased

09:57 am - River: On the bright side

Both Colleen and I are doing much better today than we were last night. Much better, as in optimistic and basically contented with the progress she's making. Nice thing about Good Drugs -- they make it a lot easier to bounce back after bad news. Yeah, we were depressed last night -- who wouldn't be, after finding out that she wasn't coming home until next week instead of this Friday? But we're OK now.

Her left knee is still weak -- it may never come all the way back to useability; she's going to get fitted with a brace in case it doesn't. (That was my idea, BTW.) We're going to practice getting in and out of the van today. She just started with the commode yesterday; I am not going to be able to cope unless she can take care of herself. And so on.

Not to mention that now I have time to get the bedroom cleaned up and maybe even get the carpets steam-cleaned. Right now I've made significant progress, but there are boxes and bags of stuff everywhere, and I haven't even started on the desks.

Did I mention that I still have to clean the guest room and launder the sheets and pillowcases? That, too: the lovely jenkitty is arriving Friday afternoon. And with Colleen able to get out on 4-hour passes, we'll still have the opportunity for lunches or dinners out.

So,... at this point, relief and optimism have trumped depression and despair. I'm not complaining.

09:30 am - Done yesterday (20090421)

( to.done 20090421 )

Yesterday was a rather rough day; finding out that Colleen isn't coming home until next week rather put a damper on things. By evening the delayed-reaction depression had snuck up on me, though I wasn't much use at work all afternoon, either.

Went to bed at 11:30 and had trouble sleeping; woke at some ridiculous hour in the morning but managed to get back to sleep.

Both Colleen and I are ok now, by the way. We both realize that being in better shape when she gets home will be a very good thing, and having another few days to clean up the bedroom won't hurt, either.

03:02 pm - Colleen: two steps forward, one step back

Colleen continues to make progress -- she's better at getting in and out of bed, and she's getting a commode this afternoon so they can start working on retraining her sphincters.

On the other hand, her PTs don't think she'll be ready to come home on Friday. Neither Colleen nor I think so, either. She seemed OK, or at least resigned, on the phone (insert standard disclaimer here); I think she was as worried as I was about how ready she'd be.

On the gripping hand, we're going to practice getting in and out of the car tomorrow, and she'll be able to go on outings with me and Jen over the weekend. And I'll have more time to get the house ready for her, so that's a win.

So... very disappointed, resigned, and somewhat relieved. I'm probably not going to be much use over the next couple of days, though. Blerg.

09:31 am - Done yesterday (20090420)

( to.done 20090420 )

A huge day for Colleen -- she got dressed by herself and walked 50 feet, then did 10 sit-to-stands. I am, accordingly, an absolutely delighted Bear. There are still a few things to worry me, though.

Also, I called Kaiser to ask about hospital beds, scooters, and so on. Details above in the notes; the bottom line is that they only rent hospital beds, and that if we want a second one (so we can sleep together) I'll have to pay the full rental on it, probably between $50 and $100/month. It'll only be for a month or two, until we can figure out whether this scheme works for us.

I should probably look into wheelchairs. We have a transport chair, but she may need something she can wheel around by herself. Hopefully not.

There's probably no way I can get the bedroom fully cleared out and steam-cleaned, but I'll at least be able to get the bed out and the carpet vacuumed. Where I'll put a queen-sized mattress and the disassembled frame is anyone's guess at this point. Kat's room, probably, since the YD has expressed interest in it. Hmm... that means I get to do it Wednesday so I'll have some help... Urk!

10:01 pm - Done yesterday (20090419)

( to.done 20090419 )

Colleen was chipper Sunday morning: a good way to start the day. It was a pretty good walk, too, though not terribly thoughtful. Simply getting out and walking is good enough, after weeks of mostly sedentary days. Too hot, though. It can go back to being winter any time now, and we could use the rain.

Having a daughter in high school gets expensive: it's prom season. Even with a seamstress in the household who owes you favors.

Colleen called while I was out shopping and asked for a milkshake. Fortunately I sucked off my toll before I got there. We had fun fighting over the dregs, though -- right now anything I can do to make her giggle is good.

I managed to get a fair amount of work done cleaning up the bedroom. Steam cleaning might not be feasible before Colleen comes home, but I'll at least be able to get the floor vacuumed and space cleared for a pair of hospital beds. It's still overwhelming, and I procrastinated much too long.

08:35 am - Done yesterday (20090418)

( to.done 20090418 )

I don't feel as though I got very much done yesterday. Especially considering how much I'll have to do if I want to get our bedroom cleared out and cleaned up by the time Colleen comes home on Friday.

In fact, I haven't done much during the entire last week, when I had the Younger Daughter home from school to help. She did clean her room and the kitchen; that's something.

I did some cleaning, anyway -- more like puttering, but it's a start. And I researched hospital beds at Amazon. If these are the same beds I saw at ABC Medical Supply locally, I could save somewhere between $500 and $700 buying a pair of them from Amazon. If I trusted them and their third-party vendors, some of whom list "10 pounds" for both the dimensions and shipping weight of the objects in question. Nobody lists the actual dimensions or weight, which worries me. And if the difference didn't get gobbled up in shipping costs.

Apart from these "done yesterday" posts, I don't seem to be posting much. Maybe just as well given how long it takes to write one, but I really ought to get back to writing at some point.

The astute reader may notice that I'm using both colleen-200903 and colleen-200904 as tags. I change the date when something major changes; I figure coming home counts, so I'll use the 200904 tag for planning toward that event.

Current Mood: discontent

01:26 pm - Done yesterday (20090409)

( to.done 20090409 )

A particularly good day. I spent all of the morning and some of the afternoon at work; I'd called a meeting at 10am that took up the rest of the morning, but went very well, and made some very helpful changes in a couple of protocols we're working on.

Colleen made major progress (and even greater strides today, but I've already posted about that). Yay!!

The evening was filled with good food, good company, good conversation, and good music. I love my friends.